Ever been afraid to share something… even though it “feels” right to you?
I’ve been an “intuitive” person for as long as I can remember. I just “knew” things but, wouldn’t say them aloud. I might say I knew after the fact, but, out of fear or uncertainty, I’d not express what I saw, felt or heard from within before a situation arose.
Occasionally as I grew older, I’d “sense” things about my friends, and being young and inexperienced, I’d sometimes simply blurt out what I heard or ask questions to gain clarity. Most often I was not well received, told I was “intimidating” (and to know me is to truly know the confusion I felt over such statements… Me, intimidating? I couldn’t have been more shy and fearful of others).
I recognize now that we are not always ready to hear things that “hit too close to home“. The truth or statements that make us more transparent, revealing our authenticity without our permission or invitation… can be unnerving to say the least.
Being young and wanting so desperately to fit in… I simply put my gifts away. Hid them in the closet for safe keeping. Oh I’d peek in on it every once in awhile. Indulge myself in occasional visits. But I wasn’t bringing my brand of zany out to parties if you know what I mean.
Being intuitive wasn’t the only thing that made me a bit out of the ordinary growing up. What I learned about spirituality made me different from the crowd as well. Most of my friends went to church… we did too but my education and interests went beyond the traditions of Sunday School class. I was introduced to Astrology, Numerology, Intuitives (ok yes, she was a Psychic), The Universal Laws, Past Lives and folks who channel messages from beyond our earthly plane. Needless to say, this made me more Freak than Genius among the ranks.
This was not your Momma’s spirituality. This was the stuff of witches and weirdos. Stuff that you keep to yourself, that you hide in a closet and play with only on very special occasions with your closest friend who “gets it”.
Fast forward to just a few years ago. We lost everything, our jobs and income, our home and our savings and along with that our sense of self-worth and identity. Have you ever felt the chaos of life so profoundly? And when you did… where did you turn for a moment of sanity, of inner peace?
Me… I went into that closet. Initially to hide. Then to reconnect. To revisit my gifts, to see if within them held the answer to my questions. Was that where I would find my spirit? My spiritual side? My state of Zen and infinite abundance? With nothing to lose, I had to find out if I could indeed find a sense of self-worth there.
In that closet I found the most unexpected gifts: unconditional love, empathy, compassion, and a completely new perspective on life and death. I also found what I suspected might be my purpose for this human experience. But, truthfully, I didn’t know what to do with it or how to turn it into self-belief or self-worth. So, I sat with it, in the closet for awhile. Slowly bringing it out to share only with a few very select people and even then… not fully.
As I became more comfortable with my unique brand of spirituality I started to share my discoveries and insights more frequently. Though, even as an adult, I realized that these are NOT the discussions we have at parties. We stick to the socially acceptable topics – no religion, no politics – keep it neutral. That apparently includes spirituality and most certainly don’t bring up any of those goofy “energy” discussions. Raise the vibrations of the earth? That’s nonsense… have you seen the economy?
Longing to share my enthusiasm for the topics and luminaries that most inspired me, I shifted my focus to creating a platform on which to share the voices and insights of the beings who had a desire to initiate and join in the spiritual conversation.
With the infinite support and love of my husband, we created Inspirallumination Magazine. A BIG step toward coming out of my spiritual closet!
But lightening struck, we experienced a loss and up the tornado went again. This time, I had heard over and over again, the whispers of my inner being… trust your intuition. I saw the signs, I had the nudges, but I didn’t honor my messages. I turned to logic and reason instead. Putting one of my most valuable spiritual gifts right back in the closet.
Another painful experience in my journey. I could beat myself up, question my self-worth, be resentful that I didn’t honor my messages or… allow the pain to open a portal for me. A crack in the door of the closet.
I heard the whisper, this is about your intuition. This is how we guide you. Have faith, trust in yourself. Come out and share your gift, it can help not only you but also others.
I worked with a dear friend, an energy healer, a luminary. She helped me to visit the pain and within it find my inner fire breathing dragon… a gift, a strength, a courageous way to share my inner voice.
And then an opportunity… to share the gift… or run and hide. A friend and I were talking about my dragon and she asked me to help her with hers… a chaos dragon, a destructive force around her, how to interact with it? Moment of truth. Dare I be authentic AND transparent? I heard within, “pause… walk away“. I said to my friend “hmmm, let me give that some thought. I’ll be right back.” I felt pulled to go outside, toward the garden. Just then, my husband walked in and said “Hey, Lor, why don’t you come check out the garden so far“. Bingo… confirmation.
I went to the garden, looking at it but feeling distracted, thinking of my friend and her dragon. I felt twinkling lights, a little angelic presence and I thought to myself.. oh no! If I’m to be authentic… I have to tell her that she has a fairy?!? Flashback to childhood fears and immediately I feel she’ll think I’m a FREAK! Time to shut the door on that closet!
But this time was different, I was not alone, I had reconnected with my inner fire breathing dragon and had new found strength and courage. I’m opening that door because the last time that I didn’t… I lost, BIG TIME.
Back in the house I went. A little tentative and nervous. So, I didn’t reveal everything all at once, I tested and waited for feedback. Would she recognize this message? Would she invite me to come out a little more?
Here is what transpired (the names are changed):
Loreen: ok – you have an ally… a “someone or something” that can help you tame that dragon is what I hear?
Angela: there is only a couple of people I can think of Catrina my friend and mentor and Ethan my spirit guide?
Loreen: I feel it’s a spirit guide…but I also felt a feminine energy…is your spirit guide very nurturing?
Angela: I am going to fucking cry Loreen. I know what feminine energy you are talking about
Loreen: Awe – really? Then definitely CRY and release it!!!!
Loreen: Who is it?
Angela: The baby girl I lost after Alison… Evelina
Loreen: Awww -that’s why I felt it was small and fairy like!! NO wonder!
Loreen: and Evelina? What a gorgeous name!!! it’s her!
Angela: Has to be
Loreen: it’s her…I could feel her flying around me
I went to look at Bob’s new garden… I figured if I connected with nature I’d receive some information
This was at 6:11 – consulting the angels numbers, I knew I was on track. 6 for home and family and 11 which means to connect with our higher selves is to fulfill our life’s purpose, it symbolizes a spiritual awakening.
From Sacred Scribes Angel Numbers by Joanne Walmsley “Make your home reflect peace, harmony, comfort and your own inner-light and beauty. Tell family and friends how much you love and appreciate them being in your life as love fosters more love.
Angel Number 611 is a message to listen to your intuition… live your truths and be willing to step out of your comfort zone ” http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2011/10/angel-number-611.html
Again… Bingo… Confirmation.
Angela: She is still protecting me…my baby
I miss her so much I often grieved resented, etc etc during those times…
and THAT is when I broke my back….literally
Loreen: If you allow her… she will help you
Angela: Am I shutting her out somehow? I think of her often…wonder what she’d look like, how she’d be…
she’d have turned 7 in a couple of month
Loreen: Call on her in her new form… she will help you
Angela: ok…that makes sense, a fairy? I can totally see that…angelic like little creature
Loreen: she does NOT see the two of you as disconnected
Yes – she felt like tinkerbell
Angela: Good…I will always be her mom…maybe that is why I feel so drawn to faeries
Loreen: Could very well be!!! Create a home for her…Invite her in
Angela: I WAS working on a fairy house….I should finish it
Loreen: I say yes! Finish it!!
Angela: just wow…would you have thought that when you stepped out?
Loreen: Nope – I just heard… don’t say anything… walk away and I was called to the garden
You are so fortunate!!
Angela: I am…and I do forget that sometimes…but I know I am
Loreen: I’m so sorry that she couldn’t be with you long in human form… I can’t imagine how incredibly hard that is for you.
She was your 5th?
Angela: my 6th….
Oh that’s even more interesting to me now!
6 is the number of home and family
My unique brand of spirituality, honoring my gifts, shining my light, being willing to bring it all out of the closet and share it authentically and transparently… had helped another on her spiritual journey.
I believe that spirituality is the connection to spirit, to the energy of light, the Universe, the Oneness. It is honoring our gifts and passions and having the courage to live our purpose from the inside out and aloud. You may call it something else, you may recognize spirituality as finding God or Buddha, as connecting to your inner being or higher self, as any kind of transformative experience.
I believe we are infinite beings of light, having a human experience, using our own heroic journeys to evolve spiritually. Now… my brand of spirituality, may not be for everybody, it may not resonate with you, but I have come to realize that other’s perceptions of me, Freak or Genius, do not define my experience, nor lessen the value of my spirituality to me.
Evelina has become a spirit guide for me a tiny angel who helps me with my spiritual journey. She is a gift I do not take lightly and I know in my heart that she is never to be placed in a closet or hidden from others. Sharing my intuition in this way was an awakening for me. A confirmation that my gifts are “real” and “valuable” and that sharing them can help others a great deal… IF they are ready and open to the energetic exchange.
I know that we are in a great time of awakening on Earth and that more and more our lights are coming together and we are connecting and guiding one another in ways we have not done in lifetimes. I read in the book “2013:The Mayan Sunrise”, that 1 luminary, 1 being who accepts the call to shine their light and share their spiritual gifts, creates the space for 100,000 others to be guided into our spiritual evolution. I, for one, am so grateful that so many before me have shown their light so that I could experience this evolution.
We all have gifts and passions, each a tool or a clue to guide us in fulfilling our life’s purpose. I believe that sharing them, authentically and transparently is what leads to our personal and global prosperity. I won’t tell you it’s easy to do, but, I will tell you it’s worth it.
And yes, I will be sharing my gifts more freely from now on. Playing and practicing with the messages I receive, in fact, I shared an angel card reading in our free issue last month and you’ll see one again in this issue. Consider these my little “coming out” gifts to you.